| hiohhhhhhhhhh |
[20 Jun 2008|11:55pm] |
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hiohhhhhhhhhh VEGAS IS BOOKED!!! cant wait to get away from the bullshit
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| screaming at the top of my lungs, but no one can hear me |
[15 Jun 2008|08:21am] |
ya so its been a VERY long time since i've been here.. 82 weeks to be exact. but guess what?! Still miserable. I can do everything to make everyone else happy, and nothing to make myself happy
over time i tend to let my emotions build up. I stuff them down, and front out a smile and pretend to be happy. when inside, im scratching against the walls screaming and gasping for a breath. theres so many things that happen in the wrong order and just make me miserable. but this 1 thing has been eating at me, and no matter what i do i cant move on. my emotions overflow and that leads me here. to let it all out. im screaming at the top of my lungs, but no one can hear me.
the icing on the cake is, a girl I like doesn't even know I have a pulse. I try and try to be around her, to hang out and just chill but it never happens. to sum it up, its my fault. I fucked up, yet again. from how i break it down, when she wanted to be with me there was the age factor that stopped me from making it happen, and the fact that her mom thought she was too young for me. i wanted nothing more then to be with her, since it was what i knew would make me happy. I figured if i could hold out a few months, everything would work, her mom would be ok with it, and id finally be happy again. but of course me doing the right thing wound up fucking me over in the end. because by the time i asked her to be with me, this other douche beat me to it.
we would talk a few times a day everyday, for hours. which i loved every second of, even if it was just us laying there breathing into the phone. when everyone would hang out, she would come and always stand by me, always lean on me. smile when i looked at her. she would give me a feeling inside that i rarely got to experience. i knew she was there for me, which was a great feeling. but now none of it is the same. I never hear from her, when i do its her having some kind of problem. when we are together its either like top secret or extremely awkward. i really dont know how it got this way.
so now its like almost a year later, and it still upsets me. any normal person would see its not going to happen and move on. I dont know why, but i cant. maybe its the fact that i rarely get a girl to admit liking me. maybe its the fact that i know this kid cant do anything for her the way i can. i really dont know. but it tears me apart EVERYDAY that she chose this kid over me. i... i just wish it was me.
you can call it jealousy if you want. its what it seems to be. but it's a lot deeper then that. I'll get to the point where i will start to move on and then 1 thing leads to another, and im right back where i started. wishing things were different. wishing i reacted a different way, and made a move when i needed to. i wake up and go to sleep miserable with her always on my mind. the thought of this kid being the one she goes to. him being the one she calls. him being the one she hangs out with. just so many things add up.
i know my friends are starting to pick up on it. that i've been acting different. that i havnt been all chipper and smiling like i normally am. its just gotten to the point where everything has boiled over and i cant take it anymore. im sorry. i cant help it. going out with everyone now just gets depressing. everyone has someone, even if they are "just friends". I'm always the one alone. the one at the movies w/ the empty seat. the one with the empty seat in the car.
i ask myself the same 2 questions everyday
Why do you do this to yourself?
Why cant you just let it go?
and i honestly cannot answer them.......
i have this saying in italian "se mi date una probabilità, posso daro il mondo" which means If you give me a chance, I can give you the world....
maybe you'll read this, maybe you wont. Whether your with me or not, you being happy is all that matters to me.
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[23 Nov 2006|09:33am] |
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i know im not what you want, i just wish you would come around and give me a chance
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[30 Jul 2006|10:33am] |
So ya, my family is a wreck right now.
we will go in order
a month ago, my aunt marie ann( great aunt to me) was diagnosed with leukemia.
last week my grandmother got diagnosed with leukemia and grandfather had to go for heart surgery
last night my cousin was in a motorcycle accident with her b/f. shes all fucked up, and hes paralyzed.
So this morning, im watchin Final Destination 3, and my mom opens the door like WTF is going on, someone is after this fkn family. dana was in a major motorcycle accident with her b/f last night @ like 10:30pm, MIND YOU ITS 10:30 AM right now and last night i was in LI @ a car meet with a lot of bikes. they were all acting retarded so i said "i know its fucked up & all, but i would pay $ to see one of them fall right now" and then to get this news this mornin that my cousin 2 hrs away from where i was just got hit headon by a car while she was with b/f on his bike. and all this while im watchin a movie like Final Destination.. WTF, this is too much stress for this fkn family man. no one will tell my grandparents about my cousin caz of their conditions, and no one will tell my cousin her b/f severed his spinal cord & hes paralised... seriously... what the fuck
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[19 Jun 2006|08:35pm] |
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i got a knot on my head.. the size of an acorn... i got hit with a ladder today @ work that slid off a ledge in our old shop.. we are paintin it so we can rent it out, and im sittin there rolling the wall.. and i hear ::shhhhhhhh clink:: turn and POW.. on the floor... now i got the biggest fkn headache in the world.. so dont mind me if i go off on u
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[13 Jun 2006|09:43pm] |
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music |
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silent civilian - rebirth of the temple |
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Ok so recently i told nelly & yazzie the same question, and they both gave the SAME exact answer.. (which i knew they would) but there was really no answer to the quesiton. it was just to get them to talk to me... but yaz added more after i told her, that her answer was wrong.
Miss Yazzie Yaz (7:07:06 PM): its just
Miss Yazzie Yaz (7:07:09 PM): lmao
Miss Yazzie Yaz (7:07:14 PM): IT HAS TO HAPPEN
Summed up in 4 simple words,
the words to say, the way to feel... i dont know.. getting toooo confused lately. like um ya should i, wait no, well maybe, no deff not. my eye lid is twitching again.. non stop "Lead on by Stress, lack of sleep, and high bloodpressure".. Well my stress causes my lack of sleep and high blood pressure. My lack of sleep causes me stress & high blood pressure and my high blood pressure causes me stress and lack of sleep.. soo ya, welcome to fucked-upville. current attendance : _ _ _ 1
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[11 Jun 2006|12:57am] |
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why do i still feel the same way? :\
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[06 Jun 2006|06:32am] |
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opps there goes another rubber treeee
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[27 Apr 2006|10:43pm] |
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FUCKKKK MEEEE
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[20 Apr 2006|10:25pm] |
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What I would do to see Allison again.... She introduced herself to my mom as her furture daughter in law, how can you not love that girl now. Theres people you miss, and then theres people you MISS. Before we left CT, I told her "this isnt goodbye, this is see you later"...........
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[18 Apr 2006|06:30am] |
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i think im gona delete myspace.. i dont get comments or anything, only friend request from bands. starting to become annoying
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| ::click click BOOOMMMMMMM:: |
[11 Apr 2006|10:13pm] |
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ya, umm, ok. anyone hear a toliet flush? maybe that was just my hopes, wtf. i dunno, im so confused with thoughts right now, that i cant even type one complete sentance. people really know how to make me feel like complete shit. like.... i dont even know. wutever.. this is a failed attempt. just do go along with a life of failure and let down. but what else is new. IM MIKE, GO FUCKING FIGURE. of course its not gona happen the way u think it will.. or hope it will.. or even OTHERS hope it will.. NOOOOOO why should iiit. you dont deserve it mike. im SOOOOOO incredibly tired right now, but at the same time wide awake at the thought continuously running through my mind. i wanna punch my screen but at the same time its not that serious. i guess it was just, i thought i won for once. years of let down finally coming to an end and then SMACK, bitch know ur place. wutever. this isnt gona change anything, but i think it might of just thrown it completely over the top and completely out of my mind that its not gona happen and i prob wont let it happen now. AHHH WTF why is this bothering me so much. pretty sure ill get the typical "im sorry", which means nothing. because ive heard it bout a million times. i just seriously dont fkn know anymore........ i give up....fuck it..
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[24 Mar 2006|12:15am] |
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all i can do is wait.....
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[08 Mar 2006|08:11pm] |
::click boom::
dont bother asking whats wrong.. im done w/ it all....
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| Should I hang myself now or later? |
[14 Jan 2006|11:47pm] |
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music |
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A Perfect Circle - Blue |
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Suprisingly enough, this actually hurt lol
O GoD iTz MJ (10:42:40 PM): u wanna know what i remembered
BiG MiKe FtW (10:43:06 PM): when i touched ur who haas?
O GoD iTz MJ (10:43:10 PM): my friend n i rite now are talkin about pyschics....
O GoD iTz MJ (10:43:29 PM): and the last one i went too....told me...whatever i do...never ever go out with a mike
O GoD iTz MJ (10:43:35 PM): i'll be asking for severe problems
O GoD iTz MJ (10:43:36 PM): lol
BiG MiKe FtW (10:43:42 PM): ouch
BiG MiKe FtW (10:43:47 PM): thats harsh
So ya, talk about a shot in the nuts..... only "severe problems" you would get because of me is the "ewww why do you go out with him?" from all your friends
BUT IM A TROOPER!... i can take a shot and get back up.. see now it became a life goal lol
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| Superbowl XL Pool |
[10 Jan 2006|02:18pm] |
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Superbowl pool $25/box.
1st & 3rd quarters $250
Halftime $500
Final $1500
As of 1/10/06
let me know if u want in. $25 can get u $2500 if lady luck is on ur side.
you can also get more then 1 box
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[02 Jan 2006|04:37pm] |
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music |
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children of bodom - needled 24/7 |
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20 people you can think right off your head dont read the questions underneath 'til you think of those 20 people!
1. Yazzie
2. Jes
3. Tracey
4. Mary Jo
5. Nelly
6. Rob
7. Joe
8. Whitney
9. Allison
10. Nora
11. Shaina
12. Sin
13. Frank
14. Miguel
15. Izzo
16. Danny
17. Billy
18. Christina
19. jaymie
20. nicky
Now answer according to the names listed.
QUESTIONS:
1. How did you meet 13?
football at saunders... i knew he would be my slave
2. What would you do if you had never met 5?
i think i would be a lot more mysterious, he brings out the moron in me :)
3. What do you honestly think of 10?
I <3 her since she <3's me. Shes one of those people u call just to say hi.
4. Did 19 and 8 ever date?
no but that would be kinda hot lol
5. Did you ever like 2?
ya
6. If 1 died tomorrow, what is one thing that you would need him or her to know?
that she completes me
7. Would 2 and 11 make a good couple?
that would be hot just like 19 datin 8
8. Describe 7 in 4 words
Likes my stupid ideas
9. Do you think 4 is hot?
i've told her on more then 1 occation
10. Would 1 and 17 make a lovely couple?
rofl ya they would.. me & nelly tried hookin that up b4
11. Tell me something humiliating about 16:
he did a 720 off the basketball hoop in saunders & landed on his head
12. Do you know any of 3's family members?
ya her dad is the fkn man, and her brother is funny as shit
13. What's 20's favorite color?
fuck i dunno
14. On a scale of 1-10, how cute is 14?
miguels a lil pimp so imma go with 7
15. What would you do if 15 just confessed his/her love to you?
id slap the shit out of him
16. What language does 19 speak?
english?
17. Who is 8 going out with?
#7
18. What would you do if 3 started hitting on you?
drop dead
19. Would 18 and 10 make a good couple?
lol always a lesbian situation. so YESSSSS
20. What grade is 15 in?
he doesn't go to school
21. When was the last time you talked to 12?
yesterday
22. What is 2's favorite band?
umm..... im sayin SOAD because I SAID IT IS
23. Does 9 have any siblings?
i honestly dont know.. i miss #9 tho
24. Would you ever date 5?
sorry nelly ur just not my type rofl
25. Would you ever date 13?
hes my slave i cant date him (WHY does everyone fall into a gay catagory?)
26. Is 11 single?
shes too cute to be so she better not be
27. What is 19's last name?
lynch
28. What is number 10's fantasy?
to be w/ me ::blows on nails:: lol
29. Would you ever want to be in a serious relationship with 1?
no comment.
30. What school does 12 go to?
errrrrrrrrrrrrr
31. What school does 2 go to?
WCC
32. Where does 17 live?
off of saw mill river road
33. Would you make out with 1?
heh heh
34. What would you tell 1 if they asked 9 out?
"holy shit id pay to watch that"
35. Is 3 older then you?
no i got 4 days on her IM AWESOME!
36. Is 5 the sexiest person alive?
nope i am
37. What is the best thing about number 20?
she was the 1st person to say i was her teddy bear
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[01 Jan 2006|02:41am] |
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music |
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five bolt main - pathetic |
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I think i hate new years. "ringing in the new year" which to me means another wasted year of my life. and the fact that i spend it home alone, because my friends have the nerve to call me at 11:50 and tell me i should be there w/ them. maybe if you told me.. like the night before.. or maybe a few hours in advance i would be there. but instead its 10 min b4 2006 and people have the nerve to ask me why im not there. come on give me a break. so ya 2005 gone 2006 here, lets waste another year shall we? -ftw
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[25 Dec 2005|09:30pm] |
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ok so christmas didnt turn out to be too merry.. it was ok, but there was something that could of made it very very merry. but when i woke up this morning to the sight of rain. I knew it wasnt going to happen.. The thing is, is that today i was supposed to see someone. but for some reason every time i have the oppertunity to see this person, something happens. rains, snows, car breaks down, something happens to prevent it. its been happening for goin on 2years. I do get to see this person, but not nearly enough. and the times where im really lookin forward to it, pow... the world turns gray and the clouds start to fall. its god trying to tell me something? or is it just a cawinsidence? i dunno. but wutever, just havt to wait til next time....
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[24 Dec 2005|04:02am] |
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ba humbug to the fullest.. i hate holidays and i hate new years. i hate everyday of the year. so bite me u all make my life a living hell
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